Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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