Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
