I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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