Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
