I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
