my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
