drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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