Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
