did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
