You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
