You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
