my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
