My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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