Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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