you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
