but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
