what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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