my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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