my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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