Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
