Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I did not marry a roomba.
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