she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
