I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
