Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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