I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
