I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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