Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
