Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
