I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
