can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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