I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
