Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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