shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
