I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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