I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
