Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
