I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
