Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
