It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All the doctor said was why
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize