and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
