i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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