i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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