Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she pinky promised me she was 18
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
