Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
