She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
