The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
