the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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