Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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