How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Damn victory sex feels great
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
