i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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