I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
